Ok, hey, I know I haven't written in a while but I've had a lot on, getting back into school, finding and starting a new job and getting over the 1 year anniversary of Mum's death as well as trying to get back on track with everything. But yeah, some things were going well, I went to France twice over the holidays, once for a holiday and the other time for Spring Harvest, a Christian holiday camp. I went with some friends from church and I really enjoyed it, met some lovely people too!
Things are going well, I mean, I get good days and bad days but doesn't everyone, however I've found lately that I've been really disconnected with God, I can't hear him, or feel him, I feel like he's just disappeared on me, I know he hasn't but it feels that way and it sucks! I'd describe it as a wall between me and God. A big concrete brick wall that I can't get through, I can't break it down.
I read somewhere that depression does that to you, you pray but with depression you feel no one's listening to you and you can't focus so you stop praying, you read the Bible, but depression means you can't concentrate and the Bible can be hard to digest sometimes, you can't connect with it so you stop reading and finally you try to worship, but with depression it's hard to be around people and act all "happy" and "brave" and you can't concentrate enough to feel and focus on God.
This is exactly how I feel... Although I feel quite vulnerable telling you readers this... but it's true, I feel extremely far away from God. I can't personally connect with him anymore...
I also find it hard to show emotion in front of people like at church... I so want to just burst into tears but I can't, so it just builds up until I'm alone and then I feel even worse because I'm isolated...
During my church service on Sunday night, someone said that they felt someone in the church was feeling angry and disappointed in God... that was me, maybe there were others there, but I was one of them. I guess I'm angry and disappointed in God because of all the rubbish I've been through this last year or so. But the thing is, I never admitted it to anyone, and maybe I should have, so I've been left to dwell on it all week and it hurts...
That's definitely something I need to work on, asking for help when I need it. I guess I don't like being a pain to other people, but sometimes I need to just dump all my problems on someone else which isn't fair on them.
So yeah to sum up, the last few weeks, I've felt far away from God and I don't quite know how to resolve it.
I made the image above to kind of show this feeling...
Ta x
