Happy Birthday Nanny!! <3 xxx

Nanny knew I was there with her every step of the way.

I am dedicating this post to my Nanny, Doris. Sadly she passed away 8 months ago. This week on Thursday 19th July, it would be her 93rd birthday and I miss her very much, everyday.


We were always very close and I loved her dearly. Nanny gave up everything for my Mum after my Grandfather died when Mum was only 9 years old. She became a single mother and held down two jobs doing everything she could to look after her daughter. I have always been so proud of her for doing this but never liked to hear stories of her suffering. I couldn't bear to see her ill especially during her final days. She didn't deserve to suffer in this horrible way. But I knew that soon she was going to a better place, to be with her husband, daughter and Saviour. 


I loved spending time with Nanny, I always felt safe with her, I knew she would do anything for me and would always be there for me. She taught me so much especially about her faith and influenced me a lot. I remember when she couldn't come to church any more due to her not being able to walk after her first stroke, I felt a huge chunk of me missing during those Sunday services. That was what Mum and I did, every Sunday we would go and pick Nanny up from her flat in the Bouet and take her to church. Now that was over, and it broke my heart that she could no longer come and worship in her home church which meant so much to her. During that first Easter service which she could not attend I was asked to read a prayer. I did it wholeheartedly for Nanny, I wouldn't have been brave enough to do it otherwise. I was very nervous and emotional too because she could not be there to hear her granddaughter speak at the front of church. But I know she was proud of me, even if she could not comprehend what was going on. 


While at her last nursing home, just across the road from our house, I gradually began to pick up the things that Mum and the nurses would do for her, to look after her. I knew when she was stressed, upset, wanted a drink or her hankie. I began to get to grips with doing more and more for her, this was obviously meant to be as when Mum got ill I took on the role of her and began to do the things she did, making sure everything was perfect for Nanny. After Mum died I threw myself into looking after Nanny, it was my job to protect her now. Then she got ill too, I really started to be angry with both God and myself. It was a hard few months and still is very difficult to thing about, I blame myself a lot of the time, even though I know it was never my fault and I could not have done anything about it. But I know that Nanny is peaceful and resting in the loving arms of her Saviour. 


Nanny's favourite hymn is "Blessed Assurance". It was played at both hers and Mums funeral and every time I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes, I just love the words and always think of Nanny.


Here are the lyrics:

1. "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
   Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
   Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
   Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
   • This is my story, this is my song,
     Praising my Savior all the day long;
     This is my story, this is my song,
     Praising my Savior all the day long.
2. Perfect submission, perfect delight,
   Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
   Angels, descending, bring from above
   Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
3. Perfect submission, all is at rest,
   I in my Savior am happy and blest,
   Watching and waiting, looking above,
   Filled with His goodness, lost in His love."

My favourite verse has to be the last one, speaking of finally being at rest in Jesus, and "lost in His love". Such powerful words that make me tearful every time I read them. I know that Nanny, Mum and my Grandfather are all watching me now and are proud of me, I just wish they were here with me.... But one day I'll see them again!

Happy Birthday Nanny!!! I love you lots!!!

<3 xxx

Pray Until Something Happens!

Last weekend I went to the Big Church Day Out in Sussex along with my dad, brother and a friend from church. It was incredible! Huge names like Casting Crowns, Phil Wickham, Leeland, Newworldson, Phatfish, Matt Redman and LZ7 as well as others played famous songs. There was probably about 10,000 or so people there all worshipping together. The atmosphere was incredible, we were all praising our amazing God. He was surely there among us and everyone was having a brilliant time. I loved every second of it and can't wait for next year.


I would like to share something that I experienced over the weekend. As I have mentioned in previous posts I sometimes find praying quite hard - I wander if God really hears me, because it doesn't always feel like it. How do I hear his voice? Is it him talking or me talking? These are big questions and I just long to be in his presence, especially during worship. So during one of the songs I closed my eyes and tried to think of God, to feel him. I found  myself completely surrounded by a bright white light like I was looking up into Heaven. Mum and Nanny were there and I could feel them smiling at me and I knew that they were reassuring me that they were proud of me and loved me. However during this, part of me felt like this was my imagination and that this what I wanted to see. But it continued and I heard a voice, and it may have been mine but it said something like "I love you and am always with you, and I am very proud of who you are." Now whether this was God speaking or Mum I have no idea but I'm guessing it was God. But still part of me doubted that and I was disappointed that I was doubting. I'm not ashamed to say this because I'm sure many other people have been through this at some point in their life. Anyway when I opened my eyes I knew that something had happened but I wasn't quite sure what. 


During this weekend, Phil Wickham shared this verse: 

"For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them" (Matt. 18:20). 

 I really like this verse, I don't really know why but it's comforting.


I also came across this verse: 

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." (1 John 5:14-15)

This got me thinking, what about when we approach God with doubt? What if we doubt that he hears us? We still  have enough faith to approach God with our worries, problems and troubles but we don't fully believe that he hears us. When we realise he has answered our prayer we are astonished. Think about the story in Acts 12:1-16. Peter was in jail and his church were praying for him. An angel then released Peter from jail and he went to the home of the church who were praying for him. He was knocking at the door and a servant girl ran to tell everyone that Peter was there. No one believed her. When they finally saw him they were "astonished." Why did they not believe the servant girl? Because part of them doubted that God would answer their prayers. We all do that too at some point. But it is important to keep praying at this time not to give up. The more we pray, the more we see God and the less we doubt. 


We need to start expecting our prayers to be answered rather than be astonished when they are! 


As I shared before, I doubted that God was really speaking to me. But the thing is because I doubted I wasn't expecting him to. And when he did do something I was astonished and doubted. Thus the cycle began again. If we learn to take the doubt out of the equation and replace it with expectation, marvellous things will happen! I'm still working on this and I encourage you too! 

"If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter.
He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs,
our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves,
knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God."
Romans 8:26, MSG

Pray, Pray, Pray!! 


God Bless
xx

Why Is It Important To Worship?

Above is a typography video that I created in After Effects a few weeks ago. I got the idea after watching various YouTube videos. When I listen to a new song I like to have the lyrics in front of me, so I can follow it, learn it and most of all take them in. I love worship songs, I have so many favourites!

For the video I chose the song Not Guilty Anymore by Aaron Keyes. When I first heard the song, it made me cry. The lyrics were just what I needed to hear at that time. I felt very guilty for things and very alone in my depression. I knew people around me cared but sometimes I just didn't feel it you know? I'd also been struggling with my faith a little, I couldn't hear God and it felt like He was so far away. I KNEW He was there, but I didn't FEEL it. However something that got me through that time was worship. Yes I found it hard to worship God when I felt He wasn't listening to me. But deep down I wanted to and knew that is what I had to do.  Music just relaxes me and I love to just sit for hours with music playing in the background. Personally I find that I am closer to God when I do so. 

When we are asked why we worship God, we usually say that He is the all powerful Creator and deserves all our praise. We take it for granted. But why is it so important to worship Him? First of all God commands that we worship Him. He wants all our attention, so that we can have an amazing relationship with Him. Imagine if you were in a relationship with someone who you loved very much, you'd want them to give you all their attention, wouldn't you? The relationship wouldn't work if only one of you loved the other. It's a two way thing.

Secondly, think about all that God is. Think of every word you can to describe Him. Think of everything He's done, all that He's made. Surely He deserves praise! No one can ever over shadow Him. Nothing compares to Him. He is worthy of our worship.

I believe that worship is very important in our relationship with God. Just as much as praying or reading the Bible is. God deserves to be worshipped, He's amazing!  

Fall into Him

Today has been a mixed day. One moment I felt fine, the next I was crying my eyes out just wanting a cuddle from Mum. I miss her so much. I can't tell you how much it hurts. I get flashbacks to the last few days and it makes me crumble... But I cry when I'm alone but I can't when I'm with people and I don't know why. Sometimes I just want to scream during worship but I can't! Lately I've really struggled with talking to God. I've not been able to pray or read the Bible or worship properly, maybe because I was still angry with Him for taking Mum and Nanny away and leaving me to deal with things on my own. I mean I'm 16 and I don't have a mum or any grandparents left. How is that fair? I need mum more than ever now for advice, comfort and love. 

I feel like I can't do this alone.

It's so hard...

I just wish she was still here and that cancer never existed...

You know when you're at home and feel so lonely but can't do anything about it? Yeah I feel like that everyday... well at some point...

I see people around me, children running to their mum's, families going out together and it rips my heart out. I can't watch...

Nothing will ever fill the void that Mum left behind but I just need to hold onto God. As hard as it is to do that sometimes, I know that He is always there.

I made the graphic picture above the other day just to show the many names and qualities of God. 

This is a very powerful song that I just came across. We need to just fall into God...

Do Not Be Ashamed Of Jesus

I found today pretty tough going. Why? Because I felt the Devil was testing me, provoking me to see when I would break. However he did not do this in a direct way but rather through my friends. Somehow we got into the discussion of religion and my faith as a Christian. The majority claim to be atheists and were firing questions at me that I did not have a clue how to answer. I wanted to stand up for Jesus but I didn't know what to say except "I don't know how to answer some of your questions but I know what I believe and that is I believe in God."

Now they weren't doing it to be horrible to me but rather to test me I think. To push me to see how far they could go. They were trying to wind me up. There were various remarks such as "If you weren't a Christian you'd have a lot more fun." If I wasn't a Christian, there would be no point to my life! Others were "the Bible's a lie", and "it's all just a crutch". I won't deny that this didn't upset me but I tried my best to ignore them or to try and prove them wrong. Which can be quite a difficult task when put on the spot! 

I've always found this to be a very difficult subject. It's all very well saying we must tell people about Christ but how? It's so hard when someone is adamant that He doesn't exist! And it can be hard to declare that you're a Christian knowing that you may get questioned about it like I have experienced. 

I am not ashamed of my faith but I do find it difficult to share it. I created the image above to declare this. When we are struggling we just have to look to God and trust that he will gives us the words to say. We won't convert people over night and going around shoving it down people's throats is definitely not the way to do it! But we can still sow seeds. Maybe something we say will stay with people and they will dwell on it, remember it and come back to you to ask you for more.

Do not be ashamed of your beliefs. Romans 10:9 says:

"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

I remember at the start of my GCSE RE classes a few years back we were asked to write down 3 things we didn't believe in and 3 things we did believe in. Then a few of us were asked to read one out. I was first. I remember not wanting to admit that I was a Christian at first as I was worried what the other people in the class would think. So I said, "I don't believe in reincarnation." The teacher then asked me if I believed in Heaven and Hell. I said yes. At this point I was standing up, all eyes were on me. My palms were sweating and heart was racing. She then asked me if I believed in God and in Jesus. Straight away I said "yes". She concluded with making me state I was a Christian. When I said it the verse above jumped into my head. My heart was still racing but in a good way not a nervous way. I had done it. I had admitted what I believed in front of all my classmates. I knew that God was cheering me on and so pleased that I had done it. I knew it. Every time we declare Jesus as Lord and Saviour there is a huge celebration in Heaven. I left the lesson feeling very proud of what I'd done. 

"But he said, "I am not crazy, most excellent Festus, but boldly declare words of truth and reasonableness." Acts 26:25.

We need to boldly declare the truth and not be ashamed to stand up for what we believe in. We will be rewarded in Heaven when we get there.  It's hard but God is with us all the way. He knows what we go through. Jesus was ridiculed to, they put Him on a cross because they saw Him as a threat. But if He hadn't gone through all that pain, where would we be today? 


God Bless

He Is Our Shepherd and We Are His Sheep

He Is Our Shepherd and We Are His Sheep

Today in Guernsey is Liberation Day, the day when 67 years ago the Channel Islands were freed. Every Guern celebrates Lib Day with huge enthusiasm. There was a lot going on today and I just love how the day brings everyone together.

Along with my dad and brother, I went for a walk around St Saviours and the reservoir. It is a beautiful but tiring walk. Towards the end of the walk we came to a field full of sheep and lambs. Luckily I managed to capture some amazing shots of them, like the one above. Seeing all these sheep reminded me of Psalm 23:

"The Lord is my shepherd, 

I shall not want; 

He makes me lie down in green pastures. 

He leads me beside still waters; 

He restores my soul. 

He leads me in paths of righteousness 

for His name's sake. 

Even though I walk through the valley 

of the shadow of death, 

I fear no evil; 

for You are with me; 

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me 

all the days of my life; 

and I shall dwell in the house of the 

Lord forever."

I love this passage, as do many people. It was read at my nanny's funeral. It's just so comforting. It reminds me that God is with me and protecting me, therefore "I fear no evil". Who are we to fear when we have the Mighty God leading us?!

There is also another verse which is incredible and just makes me feel so safe:

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11

Even though sometimes we don't feel it, God is holding us close to his heart, He loves us and just wants to care for us. We need to put our trust in him totally. I know in the past few weeks that this has been particularly hard for me but I know that He is the Way and that He loves me very much. 

God Bless 

Friends Are A Gift From God

"I'll be your friend for a lifetime

Against the wind and the rain of every season

Won't walk away in the hard times

I will be your friend

I'm saying I will be your friend."

I Will Be Your Friend - Michael W. Smith

Today I had an awesome time with my friend Leah from Australia. She's been over for the past 4 weeks along with her family. I've had some amazing times with her but sadly she's leaving on Thursday. I wanted to do something special with her before she went, so we walked down to Fermain, had an ice cream and came  back to mine for Chinese and a film. But it went quickly and too soon I had to say goodbye with a tear in my eye. I won't see her for another 2 years or so and will miss her heaps! Leah is an incredible friend and I am truly grateful to God for bringing us together. She's my sister and I love her to bits!

Proverbs 20:6 says: 

"Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?"

What this is saying is that good friends are hard to find. I believe that God brings each and every person we encounter into our lives for a reason. Whether that is encouragement, comfort, guidance, love, friendship or to learn, it is all planned by God. He works through people to speak to us and show us the right way to go. I have some brilliant friends who love me and want the best for me. I know for certain that God bought them into my life to help me. Through my struggles with grieving, depression and anxiety I can always count that someone will be there for me. Although sometimes I don't feel like speaking I just love knowing that they are there!

I have an amazing friend in Leah and have truly been blessed to have her in my life! It's just a shame that we live so far away but that just strengthens our friendship! 

And of course God is always our Friend. He's our Best Friend and we can always count on Him to be there to listen to us and comfort us. 

My challenge to you is to go up to one of your friends and just tell them how much you aprecciate them and how much they mean to you. It will make both of your days special!

Thank you to all my friends and thank you Leah for just being you! For being awesome and an amazing friend, I love you loads and will miss you soooo much!!!

Thought this video was perfect for this post, hope you like it <3

God Bless